Why is Change So Hard and What to Do About it
Before we talk about why change feels hard, I invite you to slow down for a moment and reflect on a few questions:
- Are you able to change limiting beliefs or unwanted habits without much effort?
- How often do you slow down to take life one moment at a time without getting wrapped up in what might come next (or what has already happened in the past)?
- Do you consistently behave in ways that align with your needs, values, and intuition?
- When dealing with discomfort, are you quick to offer yourself gentleness and support instead of shame, judgment, or self-criticism?
Most of us would love to answer “yes” to those questions. But life, responsibilities, relationships, and even our own mind, often make that really tricky. So why is change so hard, even when we may know what we want to do differently?
Awareness: The First Step to Change
Deepening awareness of your mindset, emotions, and behavior is the first step toward meaningful personal growth and creating lasting changes. However, there are many things in our internal experience that drive our actions in ways we’re not always aware of. And, not being aware of those things limits our ability to make the sustainable changes we’re seeking.
With this in mind, you’re probably still wondering, why is change so hard? Let’s start by getting into how our brain operates.
Our Three States of Mind
To answer the question of, “why is change so hard,” it’s important to break down the 3 states of awareness our brain operates in.
The Conscious Mind
The conscious mind is where intentional change begins. It’s the part of you that’s fully aware of your thoughts, sensations, surroundings, and decisions. Our conscious processes include:
- Logic and analysis
- Problem solving
- Short-term memory and recall
- Focus
- Creativity
- Willpower
- Self-awareness
Whenever you’re doing something intentionally (whether that be thinking or behaving), you’re operating from your conscious mind.
The Subconscious Mind
Your subconscious mind is shaped by everything you’ve learned, felt, done, and experienced. This part of the mind is what holds your:
- Automatic thoughts and limiting beliefs
- Unintentional reactions and emotions
- Habits and learned behavior
- Memories
Our subconscious mind learns how to operate through repetition and when we experience emotions in response to a thought or belief about ourselves, others, an experience, or the world around us. While we can become consciously aware of how the subconscious operates, we can’t directly control those automatic processes in the moment.
The Unconscious Mind
The unconscious mind operates automatically, completely outside of your awareness. It’s primary job is to keep us safe and alive, and includes things like:
- Automatic bodily functions (like your heartbeat, temperature regulation, and digestion)
- Regulation and processing of sensory information from the environment
- Survival instinct (our fight/flight/freeze response)
- Repressed memories or desires (anything the subconscious deems as too painful or anxiety-inducing for the conscious mind)
- What Carl Jung referred to as the “shadow” self, which are parts of our personality we’ve unconsciously rejected
You can’t reach this part of the mind through logic or effort, but it automatically influences how you respond when you feel overwhelmed, unsafe, or activated/triggered.
Having a Hard Time with Change is Normal
Many of our daily actions are driven by our subconscious mind. In fact, research suggests that about 43% of our daily behaviors are habitual (APA Monitor, 2020). So, if you’ve ever had a hard time or felt stuck when trying to change limiting beliefs, regulate intense emotions, or break unwanted habits, you’re not alone!
Your subconscious mind triggers automatic responses that tend to happen before you become consciously aware. So, the challenges you come up against when trying to make changes don’t actually mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you don’t have enough willpower… it just means that your brain and body are wired to do things out of habit, and not always with conscious intention.
Since our automatic responses happen without conscious control, and we can only become aware of them after they happen (especially if we choose to intentionally pause and reflect on them), changes can only happen when we deepen our awareness and then intentionally choose to change our thinking or behave differently.
To help you build awareness around how these patterns might be showing up for you, consider times when you:
- Snapped at someone without meaning to
- Ate mindlessly for comfort
- Procrastinated a task that felt important to you
- Made a joke or laughed when you felt emotionally vulnerable
- Scrolled social media without realizing how long you were doing it
- Assumed how someone else was thinking or feeling without asking them
- Experienced self-critical or judgmental thoughts
- Found yourself frozen or unable to express yourself clearly when you were feeling stressed
- Personalized the behavior of others or interpreted their actions as reflective of your worth
All of these would be your subconscious (and possibly even your unconscious) mind at work.
How to Change the Subconscious Mind and Automatic Patterns
Recognizing and accepting that there will always be automatic processes happening in your mind and body can help you work with yourself to make intentional changes instead of feeling like you’re fighting against yourself. In other words, you don’t start by changing the reactions triggered by your subconscious mind. You start by becoming aware of the reactions, reflecting on what drove them, and then shifting how you relate to them.
For example, it’s been estimated that we experience over 60,000 of thoughts each day, most of which are running in the background of our subconscious mind. If you’re not aware of limiting beliefs like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I can’t do that,” you may not fully realize how they’re impacting self-trust, emotional regulation, or your relationships with others.
Expanding your conscious awareness of automatic thinking patterns, emotional reactions, and habits will enable you to intentionally influence (and eventually change) how your subconscious operates over time.
That said, try to remember: the subconscious mind uses both cognitive and emotional learning. So, while awareness starts in the mind, making lasting changes also requires working with the body. This is why I believe the mind-body connection is so important when it comes to personal growth. I know first hand that consistently working with both over time is what will ultimately make changes more sustainable.
Change is Hard, but You Don't Have to Do it Alone
With patience, compassion, and conscious attention, you have the ability to create meaningful, sustainable life changes. If you’d like support, let’s talk more about how I can help.