Why is Change So Hard and What to Do About it
Before we talk about why change feels hard, I invite you to slow down for a moment and reflect on a few questions:
- Are you able to change limiting beliefs or unwanted habits without much effort?
- How often do you slow down to take life one moment at a time without getting wrapped up in what might come next (or what has already happened in the past)?
- Do you consistently behave in ways that align with your needs, values, and intuition?
- When dealing with discomfort, are you quick to offer yourself gentleness and support instead of shame, judgment, or self-criticism?
Most of us would love to answer “yes” to those questions. But life, responsibilities, relationships, and even our own mind, often make that really tricky. So why is change so hard, even when we may know what we want to do differently?
Awareness: The First Step to Change
Deepening awareness of your mindset, emotions, and behavior is the first step toward creating any of the changes you want to make to support your wellbeing. But there are several things in our internal experience that drive our actions in ways we’re not always aware of. And not being aware of those things gets in our way long before we may even realize it.
A working knowledge of neuroscience can help you build that awareness, but much of the information out there can be incredibly technical and hard to follow. So let’s break it down practically.
Our Three Levels of Mind
Our brain operates on three levels simultaneously.
The Conscious Mind
The conscious mind is where intention begins. It’s active when you’re fully aware of your experience (e.g., thoughts, sensations, surroundings, decisions).
Our conscious processes include:
- Logic and analysis
- Problem solving
- Short-term memory and recall
- Focus
- Creativity
- Willpower
- Self-awareness
Whenever you’re doing something intentionally (whether that be thinking or behaving), you’re operating from your conscious mind.
The Subconscious Mind
Your subconscious mind is shaped by everything you’ve learned, felt, done, and experienced throughout your entire life. This layer of you holds:
- Automatic thoughts and limiting beliefs
- Unintentional reactions and emotions
- Habits and learned behavior
- Memories
Our subconscious experience learns how to operate through repetition. When we experience emotions in response to a thought about ourselves, others, an experience, or the world around us on an ongoing basis, that thought starts to become a belief in our subconscious. And when we react or behave in response to our thoughts, and external experiences seemingly confirm that belief, the belief can start to feel even more true. While we can become consciously aware of how the subconscious operates, we can’t directly control those automatic processes in the moment.
Have you ever known something you’re thinking is not factually accurate, but it still feels true emotionally? And no amount of logic or external evidence changes how it feels?
Consider things like:
- “I’m a burden”
- “I have to ___” or “I can’t”
- “I don’t deserve ___”
- “Needing help means I’m weak”
- “I’m not good enough”
Beliefs like these can sometimes feel so true that you may not even consciously realize they’re driving your behavior. For example, if you subconsciously believe you don’t deserve something or that needing help means you’re weak, you may only consciously recognize that “something doesn’t feel right” about asking for it.
The Unconscious Mind
The unconscious mind operates automatically, completely outside of your awareness. It’s primary job is to keep us safe and alive, and includes things like:
- Automatic bodily functions (like your heartbeat, temperature regulation, and digestion)
- Regulation and processing of sensory information from the environment
- Survival instinct (our fight/flight/freeze response)
- Repressed memories or desires (anything the subconscious deems as too painful or anxiety-inducing for the conscious mind)
- What Carl Jung referred to as the “shadow” self, which are parts of our personality we’ve unconsciously rejected
You can’t reach this part of the mind through logic or effort, but it automatically influences how you respond when you feel overwhelmed, unsafe, or activated/triggered.
Having a Hard Time with Change is Normal
- Snapped at someone without meaning to
- Ate mindlessly for comfort
- Procrastinated a task that felt important to you
- Made a joke or laughed when you felt emotionally vulnerable
- Scrolled social media without realizing how long you were doing it
- Assumed how someone else was thinking or feeling without asking them
- Experienced self-critical or judgmental thoughts
- Found yourself frozen or unable to express yourself clearly when you were feeling stressed
- Personalized the behavior of others or interpreted their actions as reflective of your worth
How to Change the Subconscious Mind and Automatic Patterns
Recognizing and accepting that there will always be automatic processes happening in your mind and body can help you work with yourself to make intentional changes instead of feeling like you’re fighting against yourself. In other words, you don’t start by changing the reactions that were triggered by your subconscious mind. You start by becoming aware of the reactions, reflecting on what drove them, and then shifting how you relate to them.
For example, some estimates suggest we have tens of thousands of thoughts each day, most of which are running in the background of our subconscious mind. And because you have a life and are not sitting around all day quietly observing every single thought that enters your mind, you may not fully realize how they’re impacting self-trust, emotional regulation, or your relationships with others.
Expanding your conscious awareness of automatic thinking patterns, emotional reactions, and habits will enable you to intentionally influence (and eventually change) how your subconscious operates over time. But it’s not just about knowing things consciously.
Why Awareness Alone Isn't Enough
The subconscious mind uses both cognitive and emotional learning. So, while awareness starts in the mind, making intentional changes that last also requires working with the body. Our body speaks in sensations, emotions and movement, and our mind finds meaning in what our body says.
An integral part of change that most people overlook or struggle with is the practice of slowing down to stay present with the language of your body. If you think slowing down or staying present with your feelings is a challenge, something you don’t want to do or don’t feel like you need to do, start by getting curious about it. Consider whether those conscious thoughts may be speaking to a subconscious belief that if you don’t understand something, it’s a threat. When the unconscious perceives any physical or psychological threat, it won’t alert you consciously. It just reacts and you may be left asking yourself, “why did I just do that?”
This is why I believe the mind-body connection is so important when it comes to personal growth. I know firsthand that consistently working with both over time is what will ultimately make changes more sustainable.
Still Think Change is Hard?
“Change is hard” is actually a belief, just like beliefs that you can’t change because of a lack of discipline, motivation, or willpower. Or that time and money are the obstacles getting in your way. All of these beliefs can feel so true that you may not have even realized how they’re pushing your body into chronic stress. And that stress can inhibit you from making the changes that would support your wellbeing. It’s not that change is “hard,” or that you just have to “try harder” or “do better.” You’re just not consciously in control of what automatically happens in your subconscious and unconscious. That’s a biological fact, not a personality trait.
Change takes time because the automatic beliefs and habits you have now were built over time. So, practice staying gentle with yourself and taking it one moment at a time. You have the ability to create the meaningful life changes you want, and it starts with what’s here now.
If you’d like support, let’s talk more about how I can help.